When I was a boy, hitting children was so normal that I didn’t know a single kid who wasn’t hit by their parents. This fact wasn’t lost on me. Even as a child, I realized my parents loved me, yet hitting me for simply being a kid was totally acceptable. I was intrigued, especially after hearing that famous line, “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” I remember thinking, “How is that even possible?” At the time, I couldn’t grasp the complexities of parental emotion. Now, I understand that you can’t fully appreciate those emotions until you become an active parent yourself.
I pondered this a lot because I’ve always been headstrong and defiant, which meant I got my fair share of spankings. As my grandmother and mother often said, “A hard head makes a soft behind,” and mine was definitely soft from all the whippings. As I grew older and started to learn the history of my people, I began to see the stains of normalized abuse.
Let’s consider those first enslaved people, the ones who thought corporal punishment for “disobeying” the enslaver was anything but normal. It was strange to be whipped, punched, bludgeoned, and murdered for simply not doing something they didn’t want to do. This was perhaps the only generation to think that way. Every generation after grew to expect punishment for not falling in line. Those belief systems didn’t die with enslavement; they evolved and were passed down to our offspring over hundreds of years.
Science now backs up what those first enslaved people instinctively knew: violence isn’t normal, and it’s certainly not healthy. Studies show that children subjected to corporal punishment are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
The idea that one sovereign human should obey another is wild! I quickly realized that when I speak to my child, I’m making a request, and she has the power to ignore it. I am only a guide, after all, not an overseer. This was not the case when I was a child. We didn’t have choices. This type of environment creates obedient children and adults who have to tear down that same wall to thrive in a world where the ruling class builds their children up instead of breaking them like wild horses.
How does this show up in our families today? When love and violence are intertwined, you get confused. If someone loves me, then maybe it’s okay for them to hit me every once in a while. Our brains will normalize anything. Research from the CDC shows that children exposed to violence in the home are more likely to grow up believing that such behavior is acceptable, even replicating it in their own interpersonal relationships.
There are many ways this shows up in our society. When a loved one hits you, it’s almost impossible to hold them accountable. So you learn, over generations, not to hold those who love you accountable for hurting you. You make excuses for the abuse and so do they. It’s a complicated problem that many people wrestle with.
Breaking cycles is difficult and can feel impossible. It requires collective change, not just individual effort. But if we’re going to ascend as a people, this is a cycle we must break. We need to do better—together. The evidence is clear: non-violent parenting leads to healthier, more well-adjusted children. We can’t afford to ignore the science or our history any longer.
So today I ask you, who broke you? Because many of us have been treated like that old wild horse by the ones who loved us the most. But it’s time to reclaim our dignity, break the cycle of violence, and raise a generation that knows love without the sting of a hand.
Later,
Darrian
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